Throughout my spiritual journey I have come to realize that God does not give us more than we can bear. I started my spiritual journey at a very low point. To my untrained eyes it seemed as though I had lost it all. And in truth I lose a lot of material wealth but God was not done with me yet. You see I thought that all the material things, cars and homes that I lost were really what made me who I am.
In 2005 God gave me what I call a rude awakening; He introduced me to myself in a way that I would never have imagined. In January of 2005 my husband came home and declared that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. How could he do this to me? We had three small children under the age of 3. Who was going to take care of them? How was I going to survive as a single mother? Who was going to love me now with 3 children, cellulite and stretch marks all over my body?
My life as I knew it was over. I come from a very religious family who follow our African traditions very closely. I am the last born of ten children. There has never been divorce in my family and so when my husband said he wanted a divorce, I was humiliated, embarrassed and even afraid to let my family know about my situation. Furthermore I had married outside my tribe. Marrying an outsider has always been looked down upon in my community. Now that my marriage had not workout I was afraid that I would be viewed as an outcast. I felt alone, lost and afraid in my own misery. So how was I going to move on and start my life over?
Connecting to God
During this difficult time I discovered that my eyes had been focused on the wrong things all along. I was so concerned about material wealth that I had forgotten to nourish my spiritual side. I was out of harmony with who I am. I noticed that I was constantly feeling sorry for myself and blaming my ex-husband for everything. I discovered that if I remained in the victim role of asking why me I was not going to be able to move forward with my life and become the best version of myself.
Yes it is true, I was hurting, I was in pain but I also knew that I had to change my attitude in order to move on and start over. I started to pray and ask God to help me understand what I was being taught and what the lesson really was. As the year went by my pain lessened and I was able to reconnect with God at a deeper level. By letting go of my attachments I fully trusted in God’s guidance for my life. I was broke, homeless and a single mother of three but I had a deeper knowing that everything would be okay. And over the years God has provided for me bountifully. I am happier than I can remember being. I now know that I am on the right path, living my highest calling: helping others become their highest most powerful selves.
In order to move on and start over, I had to forgive my ex-husband and stop blaming him for all of my pain, hurt and suffering. I also had to forgive myself. Forgiving myself was one of the most difficult things for me. I blamed myself for not recognizing that my marriage was in trouble. I also blamed myself for bringing children into the world and not providing them with a stable home environment. I was so angry and so full of hatred in the beginning that I was not sure if I would ever be able to breathe right again.
I now know that if my husband had stayed in our marriage we both would have been miserable; our children would also have been miserable. Forgiving him and I was the best gift I ever gave myself; forgiveness allowed me to be able to create a loving and respectable co-parenting schedule with him. Our children constantly ask us why we are not married because we are really good friends who care deeply for our children’s welfare.
Starting over is not easy. I do not know what your journey is or how it looks like but all I can say is that if you let go and trust God you will begin to understand why everything is happening as it is. And if there are people who you need to forgive, let go and forgive them and yourself. Create an open space in your heart where you can begin to live your highest life possible. To your success